| Thursday, November 6th, 2003 |
| 7:57 pm |
Kingdom of Fear
It was a Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. Think about it.... |
| Sunday, October 12th, 2003 |
| 8:09 pm |
Aequitas + Veritas
Do you ever look back on your life at the moments that really matter and wonder why things are the way they are? Well, you should cause the future is unpredictable and we should never take life for granted cause it can end at any moment. This was the case for my friend Billy, who was diagnosed with cancer about two years ago and still it shocks me everyday. To know that someone my age...a friend can get this horrible illness is mind boggling. Billy has been more than a friend to me - like family. When I look back on the good times we had and the days spent with eachother I wonder why...why can this happen to such a talented young kid? I know none of this was my fault but I often wonder whether I could have changed this. Did I do everything I could to help Billy's situation? Was I always there for him? These questions have been haunting me since he pasted away last spring. It seems like only when someone is lost that you really see things in reality. I never would have throught this would happen to anyone I know, especially someone as physically tough as Billy. But now that he is gone I realize my mistakes for not being as good of a friend as I should have been. As I celebrated Billy's birthday at his grave today, I thought about life and its meanings. Maybe it was meant to be...that God needed Bill. Bill knew this, cause despite his illness he kept positive. I think of Bill everyday and how mentally tough he must have been to go through what he did. He will always be in my heart...inspiring me mentally to stay strong at life's hard times. Billy - always in our heart, never forgotten 10/14/87 - 5/3/03 WAR 32 |
| Monday, September 29th, 2003 |
| 9:46 pm |
Wiser Time
The word Monday makes me cringe...knowing that after a long weekend you will have to go back to yet another boring week of school. I sat throughout the day watching the clock tick by for fifty minutes a period...eight periods a day. Like a confined solitary imprisonment I sit listening to these nazi teachers, like dictators, drag on about mission statements and useless facts. Then finally when the day is out I go home. As a need for excitement on this boring Monday afternoon I dicide to call a few people and start a poker game to get the load of my shoulders. I sit and relieve all stress that I have as we gamble away...forgetting about the time. This is how ALL Monday nights should be spent...all your worries just sort to drift away. |
| Friday, September 26th, 2003 |
| 9:56 am |
Twice as Hard
When you finally make it to the gate, there's a problem...you have to remember to pay your way in. Once you accomplish this, you stumble in as they turn you loose inside. Nothing can explain the fear I felt. the horrible part of the experience was trying not to draw attention to yourself...trying to act like everyone else. Walk slow, don't talk to anyone, just sit and stare off into space. By halftime, the fear died down and full conscienceness regained. At this time everybody was on to us...we made it obvious. I started feeling guilty. Shit, I know what i did was wrong...I did it anyways. Nobody really was worried about be except Kayla. I guess shes the only one that really cares about me. I feel bad about what I did. It may have been fun at the time...but all I really did was make an ass of myself. |
| Monday, September 22nd, 2003 |
| 7:04 pm |
Time After Time
It's been a while...lot has gone on this past month. School is uneventful as usual. I'm having a slight sense of dejavu. Everyday is the same...I wake up, go to school, see the same people, do the same things time after time. It's grown to piss me off in a way. Our lives weren't meant to be wasted this way. Well, I guess I'll have to just except this... |
| Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 |
| 9:22 pm |
Torn and Frayed
Got into a conflict with Kayla about something as little as sitting together at lunch...but its the little things in life that matter. Now thinking about it I actually do realize how terrible she must feel...even though those weren't my intentions. I tell her how she is shy around me, but in reality I'm the shy one. I was afraid that if I asked her to sit by me that she would - thinking she didn't want to and would just be being nice. I don't know why I thought this, but I got to start using my fucking head and take into consideration someone elses feelings...and not always see things the way I do. I'm getting the feeling now that my initial thoughts, feelings, everything is just wrong. But how long will it take before I realize that I have interpreted wrong...when I hurt someone else? |
| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003 |
| 12:17 am |
Tuesday's Gone
Last day of summer tomorrow...try to enjoy these last few hours of freedom. Then it's back to the books and pain of being hassled by a bunch of ruthless teachers, filling our minds with useless information. I can't say that I am excited to go back and see all the faces that have abandoned me throughout the year...but thats not what gives me the fear. What worries me is that the whole school year will be depended on this next week. These scum bag teachers put a reputation of good and bad on us all...which stays with us the whole year. They try to make us kiss their ass like Joey Thomas. Opps did I say that? But not this year for me. This year will be different. I'm not gonna let these homework suckers push me around...I'm simply gonna express my many rights promised to my by this nation. My freedom to spreak freely to anyone I want. Not saying I'm gonna start telling every teacher that they are lousy whores, but that I'm gonna start expressing myself...in a civilized kind of way. This year will be different...a year of opportunities...a chance to get back my wasted years of being treated like somebodys bitch. |
| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003 |
| 5:50 pm |
Live and Let Die
It never really occured to my how difficult it is to trust another human...or if you do it just shows how naive you really are. I don't at all consider myself a perfect person. Shit, no one does...unless your a complete asshole. But I do assume that I'm a reasonable person and that I'm responsible for my actions. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't. When people talk bad about me and lie doing it, it makes me wonder - wonder whether anyone can be trusted in this crazy social society we live in. When I talk about someone (which I rarely do) at least I'm truthful about it and don't deny my actions. Usually I don't get mad when someone is talking bad about me. Obviously people are just jealous and looking for a reason to make them feel good about themselves...before they realize how immature they really are. I don't really have problems of these kinds with many people, but these bastards feel the need to take away my dignity and self respect - which doesn't work. My reputation and what people think about me is the only thing that has suffered under these damn nazi whores. But what the fuck do I care how the people see me. Just got to live life to the fullest and not worry about these sort of things. Shit, we don't live for ever, but how many of us have actually lived? |
| Thursday, August 14th, 2003 |
| 11:58 pm |
Darkness Darkness
Panic - total chaos in the form of a national crisis. Simply no power at all...meaning no lights, no TV, no nothing. No stores open..nowhere to go. How long can we maintain this lifestyle I wondered? In an age where electronics take over...a country so dependent on modern technology yet we don't even know it. My first reaction to this nationwide power outage was, "Holy geeze the damn terrorist are at it again." What's next I wondered? How long will this last...few hours or days? But it wasn't long before the power was restored. Today it really occured to me how much we rely on power in everything we do. How dull and lifeless would or lives be without power and electricity...yet we never take the time to think about how good we have it while the damn Amish people have to suffer. |
| Monday, August 11th, 2003 |
| 11:19 am |
Crazy Game of Poker
There is no better feeling than indulging in fierce quest for money...a battle where emotion must be left at the door. The American dream of gambling (specifically poker) has always been a hobby of mine. My uncles and I engaged in a friendly game of poker last night...(playing such games as Texas Hold'em, follow the Queens, seven card stud, maverick, five and dime, 4 card guts, etc.) I started off the day horrible...losing every pot. Try to enjoy these unfortunate times I thought to myself. Well it wasn't long before luck and experience drifted my way and led me into wealth and profit. Win or lose the game has always been an unforgettable thrill...an experience much like others and yet totally different. |
| Saturday, August 9th, 2003 |
| 7:03 pm |
It's only Rock and Roll...
Since I picked up a guitar when I was eleven I knew it would change my life forever. I have been studying and practicing techniques and styles of many rock guitarists: The great solos and fingerpicking of Jimmy Page, unhuman hammering on and palm muting of Randy Rhoads, the powerful riffs and bends of Tony Iommi, and of course the unique open G tuning and rhythm guitar of Keith Richards. Since knowing and understanding music like this, I have looked at it in a whole new sense...hearing every detail - every riff, every note..etc. I have been practicing a lot lately - Getting better each time and yet thousands of miles away from ever reaching the hieghts of these unnatural gods of guitar. It baffles me to think about how hard they must have worked to make such influencial music. Or did it come natural to them? Crazy... |
| Thursday, August 7th, 2003 |
| 7:56 pm |
All down the Line
Boredom..nothing can be more worse and depraved. No change. No action. Just lots of thoughts flying in and out of my head. Try to ignore these horrible feelings and enjoy myself. But how could I? Nowhere to go...nothing to do. Played some guitar earlier - mostly zeppelin and stones. But now what? Just got to sit here listening to music. Probably gonna throw in a movie...something funny. I need a good laugh. Possibly 'Caddyshack'. Anything to get out of this dull and uninterested feeling. No. I need more thrill than a movie I've seen about 100 times. Maybe I'll go light some fireworks off or something. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just sit here and stare at the clock. Damn city. Why can't there ever be any excitement? That's reality for you. We live aimless lives..."To be on our own with no direction known" - Bob Dylan |
| Tuesday, August 5th, 2003 |
| 9:25 pm |
Drift Away - Myrtle Beach '03
Myrtle Beach 2003 was as chaotic and obscene as I expected. We turn into boose hungry beasts who will do whatever it takes for laughs and excitement. People look at us as though we have been told we only have a week to live...and do whatever pleases us. Whether we swam in the ocean while sacrificing our bodies...letting the waves control and abuse us, or if we were just relaxig on the beach thoughout the night...sipping beer and singing to our favorite songs...there was never a dull moment. I met a lot of people down there. But who were these faces I saw? Vacationers like me...well it wasnt long before I realized how different my lifesyle is then everyone else. simply no interests or similarities with any of these souherners. O well lets enjoy myself and not let these horrible realities dawn on me I thought. I kept thinking of Kayla and how lucky I am to actually have someone who sees me and understands me...and doesn't worry about all the bullshit of our society. I got to see the world in a new light at Myrtle Beach...a frightening world we live in. |
| Monday, July 28th, 2003 |
| 12:25 am |
Packing my Bags for the Misty Mountains
Worked my ass off all morning at Borally's. Trying to make a few extra bucks before I spend all my money in Myrtle Beach. I realized how hard I work so others can benefit off my sorry ass while I get hassled...I really need a raise! Kayla came over tonight...Im really gonna miss her when I go on vacation..even though its only a week. I don't know how to properly explain myself around her...I just feel like I can finally be myself and not be judged. She is probably the only true friend I have...someone I can see myself aways being friends with. Well I'm about to get packing for vacation. Discovering the American dream...to relax and simply have a good time with no worrys. |
| Friday, July 25th, 2003 |
| 4:01 pm |
War Pigs
Seems everyday now that I turn on the TV and all I hear about is the war in Iraq or about killing Skipper Hussein and his brother Qusai...or whatever their names are. Today for some odd reason I became very irritated. What are we still doing there? We did our job, so why don't we just get the hell out? Why were we there to begin with? Let the people fight their own wars. If he Iraqi people want to be run by a bunch of tortorous dogs then why should we care? But America has become monsters in the minds of everyone...bullies who would rather kill than live peacefully. We do what we feel is right...send our own people to help someone elses problems. The American way of life has changed. Shit, if Thomas Jefferson meant by 'persuit of happiness' as going to a distant dessert (with no benefits) and exchange gunfire with a regime of ruthless Iraqis dressed in togas (and die doing it) then we don't know what 'freedom' is. People are obediant and brainwashed by media...not knowing their rights. And forced to do things just cause politians want to sound 'patriotic' sending our lower class society to fight wars for them. There are two types of people in this world...those who live by the law and those who live above it. And to live above the law you must have respect for it. |
| Thursday, July 24th, 2003 |
| 11:11 am |
Outlook on Life
I often think of life as a fearful and confusing experience that only few ever overcome. You think everything is going in the right direction and then one day the bastard shows its dark face and starts spinning on a whole new axis. Life changing experiences can occur any day without warning. Today, I realized that when a I looked back on my life to see how much my life has changed in the last year...even months. Friends, thoughts, and overall outlook on the world has changed. And then one day it hits you...have I changed or has everything around me? Decisions like these need to be made every day. And once your mind is made there is no going back. The changes I made (in my opinion) have been good ones. Although I might not be as 'cool' or have as many friend as before, my life has been better ever since I got those damn superficial nazis out of my life. But enough on dwelling on the past...thats for damn historians who think there making the world better. The future is what we need to worry about. Where will be be? Who will be our friends? In 11 years it will be 2014..think about that! |
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